Meh. Gah. Hehe

Chapter 4

2011-10-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Been quite the while since the last few chapters, if you can even call them that. They more of full stops to a period where love was what once mattered. The same goes for a year ago. I remember this day a year ago well. We got down that bottle of JD and hit Wesley after acting and drank away the world to reach the grey mind domain in the hope we would stay there long. Long not for me though. I remember getting up and picking M up on the way to church after a while. While meaning 2 or 3 years. Thing about faith is that what starts with the Dogma's and ceremonies goes to the next step. Absolute faith and the exercise of it being putting trust in faith. But then again, religion for me ends there. God exists, his plan exists, I just acknowledge both and will my soul with spirituality, and the language of souls - music.The world and humanity were things I used to care about, what then again, both don't care about you. You have one shot at life and only you're to blame if you don't make it to where you want to be. If you're not going to swing, don't bring. Then again, I never cared for boundaries and superficiality,the great never followed the rules. It's not like anyone remembers those who set the rules, right? We're all here to blaze trails and in the process, end with a story worth writing about, or have your name in the line of a song.Things have moved a long way since my last post, and I sure have been a busy man. I don't know how I got this job, but the point is I have, and I'm here to make a mark. These people see something in me that I don't, but everyone who has, has never been wrong. Every place I've worked, now numbering 5, I've been the youngest and most inexperienced, yet I've left exceeding expectation. I have God to thank for giving me this gift if I have one. To the average person, the last few lines may sound vain, but then again, I have the right to be vain. When you have been through the things I have and done the things I have, you will understand that. But that doesn't mean I'm not humble in my pursuits. Memento Mori - Remember your mortality, you will die any minute, make every minute you've spent before that worth it.Waking up to that thought really shapes how you go on through the day. Hope getting that tattooed goes well. Oh well, it's been a challenging and rewarding year, one that continues to get better. I hope the people who were part of it are happy, I know the people who are still in it are. They're all that matter.

21

2011-07-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

So here I am again, in front of a screen typing my thoughts, etc, in and sending them out into the vastness of cyberspace among the bytes and networks, like blowing bubbles into the night sky. 21, I've finally made it, but I don't see the big deal, probably coz I've spent the last few years acting like one. I fail to see the significance and why people make a big deal out of this, except now I can drink and party my life away without a second thought. But if only I was normal. The only 21 I see important is Adele's album, such an amazing singer she is, and I'm glad to have named my guitar after her years ago. Funny how all these people who consider themselves big fans after just listening to Rolling In the Deep, after she won the award, without ever having a track from 19, even Hometown Glory. Oh well, not my problem, they can do as they please.

But coming back to the 21, in retrospect, 20 was pretty good in terms, of life, family and love. Though I do wish the 3 would get along easier, but then again, a writer's existence is never normal, it's all about cherishing the semblances of it that come along, time to time. What a relief it is that the lil bro's finally learning to balance work and studying like I did, I suppose he just has to find identity in what he does and he'll do well. Mum keeps deteriorating, and all I can do is take her from doctor to doctor, hoping someone can fix her, it's a losing battle, but I will keep fighting it, no matter what. But I suppose doing that has taken its toll, working 16 hours a day does bring along a fuck load of wear and tear, lets hope things hold together, if not letting go of the world is an easy option.

The question of what I want to do with my life keeps recurring, but at the moment, I don't think the answer till go beyond my mother and taking care of her. Sigh, this does get tiring sometimes but someones got to do it. There is also the question of love but it's one of those rare moments where I'm fully single, no attachments. Of course, people still ask her V, but then again, she just another thing in the past. I never imagined hating, or wanting to hate her, but then again, where this thought is going doesn't matter. I have rediscovered awesomeness and let's hope it lasts. A fucking men.

Getting there.

2011-05-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

Reading that last post, it's quite amazing and in ways scary to see how fast things change. So much has, since the last post, most in the good way. I think the most important change is on the work front where J has decided to put me on freelance for a few months so that I can sort myself out, can't thank her enough for not firing me.

Work just keeps coming and opening up new windows to everywhere. Just when I thought I could sit back and chill we get a new corporate project and I'm being put in charge of it...gulp...better not fuck it up David! But it's not my fault if I do, these headaches get worse with every day that go. Doc says it's low blood pressure probably caused by those days not eating combined with the depression.

On the other hand, after reading this thing she wasn't supposed to read that I wrote while in Negombo, J is convinced that I've got what it takes to write something that will win the Booker. Either she's as crazy as I am or sees something I don't. Although, winning it would be cool.

I suppose that's one thing I like about my life. I maybe a fuck up, but a gifted fuck up at that. No day is ever boring. In time to come I guess there will be less surviving it and more living it, good things always come slow. Also reconnected with Kei-chan, feels nice talking to someone who's been through the past almost decade of your life.

I like how J offers to buy me women, lol, she's awesome. Thanks to an old friend, I suppose I don't have to be too flustered about the events of the recent past. An old friend was right. "Don't change who you've always been and are. If things don't work out the first, or the second, or even the third time, it's because at the end of that line is the perfect one. And you're lucky your line keep getting progressively better, imagine what's coming up?!"

I don't know how T makes so much sense sometimes, but she's right. I guess somewhere down the line when I'm with whoever that maybe that's supposed to come along, I'll think to myself saying 'phew, thank God I didn't get stuck with dimple butt'. Oh well whatever.

Distressing damsels

2011-05-18T04:27:00.000-07:00

Instincts, do I listen to them or not? At times it seems an easy answer, at times it seems a difficult question. People don't change, just the way they live their lives. But that's something I've always been good at. Helping people change their lives. Most often it's just ended up biting me in the ass, but according numerology and my number 6, that's my nature and I'll always have an inclination to do things without thought or reason. Which of course means I'm fucked! Royally.

In this case though, I suppose the matter is more close to heart and I've been through it once and it didn't turn for the best. But does that mean I change who I am, by not acting? I don't know, even on the other end, I don't know what's going on, but I'd like to help and don't know why, but too scared to do so. I suppose this needs a little more thinking, actually maybe more and even some alcohol.

Finally

2011-05-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. Wasn't bittersweet as I thought it would be, just bitter. I still love her, so much. I'll never understand why she did the things she did but there is no point me holding onto her at the cost of my health while she's with that sack of shit. Once you cross a boundary, you're not afraid to cross it again. Even if there was hope of something, it wouldn't the same. But anyway, I don't regret anything so far, just miss her, so much, but I'm a soldier of fortune, I move on. Into the sunset, in search of better days and a new home, to find that ordinary world that is out there.

Next week

2011-05-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

It's weird that I can live all the days of the year without getting emotional about it, but when the week to the day approaches it all keeps coming back. Sigh. I don't think I'll go see him this time. I'm a mess thanks to all this recent shit. I was a happy kid last time Dad saw me, and I was a content man last I visited him. I'm neither now. No point tearing over that grave when I have more to tear about in the mirror.

Mother's Day

2011-05-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

Mom,
I love you.
Funny how the simplest words
Are the hardest to say
We waste our time waiting
Holding words for another day
A day that may not come
After all, no one is here to stay
I get old
Mom gets older
Say it when you can
Or fornever hold your peace.

Some days

2011-05-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Some days, the sun shines brighter
The birds chirp and the air is lighter
Other days, the clouds pour anger
Mothers scream about lightning's danger

Some days, dreams colour nights
Rain happiness on ethereal sights
Other days, nightmares come to life
Bring torture and undeserved strife

Some days, the stars don't seem out of reach
There are no boundaries you can't breach
Other days, even a breath seems hard
You feel your live's a broken beaten chard

Some days, you're loved and cared for
They serve you on a silver platter and ask if you need more
Other days, you're just a quicksand Jesus answer
Called in time of need and forgotten after

Some nights, resolve meets problem
Heart meets peace, in tandem
Other nights, despair meets mind
Questions with answers you can't find

Sometimes, I think I've moved on
You were the past; dead and gone
Some time the next day, you come back
Smile, and play our favourite track

Some days, I wish things were simpler
I wish there came a day I didn't have to wish at all
That everything came to pass as deserved
Till then I hold the memories preserved
It will come I tell myself
Some day
Some day.

The call

2011-05-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Not often does the female human variety make sense, but when they do, oh they make a whole load of it. It was a much need slap in the face by wisdom and from a person least expected. Sadly, thanks to her there will be no novel. Don't know what I was thinking. Sigh. What a waste of writing and chapters. I don't know why I've been doing the things I have to myself these few weeks, but I suppose that's over, redemption comes quite serendipitously.

To go or not to go.

2011-05-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

In 17 days, it will be 2191 days,
To the last day I saw you,
Seated in the back of that red Audi,
I know you did all you could do
To go on; to live; to see us again.
Your lifetimes work in vain.

A father's silence, a mother's tears
Among a thousand graves, all these years.
On that day the rain fell surprising.
We knew the heaven's wept; you were there.
Your boys then slept; never to awaken.
In the morning rose men; their innocence taken.

Days weren't the same; your ashtray empty
Mum wasn't the same; her cries plenty
Home just house with your picture in front
'Dad' just a word with no owner
I remember you say, "Don't be a mourner,
Celebrate my freedom when I'm gone"

The graveyard is a reminder that tomorrow comes
Always before you even know it.
We're on our way to the exit; inevitable.
Why it takes a death to realize, I don't know.
But lessons learned, stones turned
On that day, I will come see you.

Chapter 3

2011-05-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Dearest V,

I went out with someone today. She's an artist, drop dead gorgeous, has a tattoo on her arm, half French and makes good brownies. You should have seen the look on everyone's faces when they saw me with her. Fucking twats! Why does everyone make me out to be a druggie and all that. I'm just a good boy, who loves his mom and works his ass off to come up in life with the gift I have. So I don't shave sometimes and I wear linen clothes. But only because they're more comfortable. I wish people stop stereotyping so much.

It was fun to have some company. Cocktails at the Lighthouse, but all throughout, all I could do was wish you could be there. Semblances of you appear in everything, like shooting stars out of a night sky and they make you wish. Funny how I always spell 'wish' wrong the first time. I don't know what you're doing now, but I wish that there was a way to be there. I don't know where we are heading, but I know I'm lost. Everyday, the world fades, loses a little more colour. Till one day, all there is left is purple. The colour of hope. I'm too scared to think about a day like that. I miss you angel.

Yours always,
LD

Ps. I wish I could send you this letter, but they say you're happy, so I won't. I don't want to ruin anything for you. I really do hope you know what you're doing.

This is my first attempt at a novel. All writing is copyright to Lasantha David and cannot be taken or reproduced under any circumstances.

Chapter 2

2011-04-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

"So, vut next cherie, what are you writing next?" she asked as she sipped on her Margarita. I always wondered how she ended up with that slight accent, especially since she's lived in Sri Lanka all her life. But I suppose it's because her Dad is an asshole and never there, and it's the mom who brings all 3 kids up alone. I have nothing but the utmost respect for that woman. "Two books actually, this all-island guide thing and what will be the most comprehensive book on Sri Lankan art". "Very nice, I want a copy of eat. Mamon will like eat". "I will make sure I give her a signed copy when I do give it out". I sip my Mojito. I like this bar, it's so warm and cozy, I wish that V was here an... "Will you take me to Colombo zumtime Devid? I want to walk one day on the Galle Face". "Sure, when I am free. I don't like going back to Colombo now anyway, hurts too much". Why the fuck did I just say that.."What, you mean ze travel?". "No, the people. How are the paintings coming? What's the theme this time?". I've always been good at changing the topic. But somehow, inside, it's a topic I didn't want to change. I wanted to talk about it. I have so many questions with no answers. I wish I co..."It's coming goot. This time will be more expensive, but not sure if it will sell". "Oh I'm sure it will". "Why, are you going to buy one?". "No, but we can exchange. My book, for your painting. Art for art. Sounds good yeah?". "I will tzink about it, or how about I exchange you for a painting?".

I wasn't really sure how to answer that. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to flirt. People told me to do this because apparently I would feel better. They were wrong. I didn't want to feel better, I just wanted to feel her. Sometimes giving into peer pressure is what ruins everything. Peers after all aren't perfect, they've made their mistakes too. We all have made our mistakes. But why listen to someone just as fallible as you? "Okay, maybe you're worth more tzan one painting". "Heh Heh, I'm flattered, aren't your paintings worth over 100k each?". She humbly shrugged her shoulders in a 'I don't know, what do you think' way. "So what happen to that guy who were seeing? From college". I just remembered, at J's party, the both of us were being made fun of for being in 'love'. And now 3 weeks later, we're sitting here with stories on our mind, someone else still in our hearts, the lines from no sleeping, under our eyelids. I feel like a shoe. Worn to get somewhere and left out in the rain. "Ee was an asshole. Thought he could push people around with ees muscles. I tzink tzat lampshade behind you as more brains tzan him. I don't know what I was thinking when we got together. Eat was okay for ze first few weeks and tzen I was just a trophy you know. I like to talk about tzings, he just like to kiss. I hear you're not like that". "Where have you heard these things?". "Someone". "Oh comon Nicole, who said what, this quite interesting". "Well, I can't tell you who, but I will tell you some, just a littel I av heard about you".

This was indeed interesting. I needed the ego boost too after all the shit I had been through. That is, if at all what's been said it good. If it is, God Bless whichever fucking big mouth couldn't keep his trap shut. "They told me about tzis woman at that night we couldn't come to, the launch. But I don't tzink it was ze same one that D was telling us about", "Am I right?" "Well, there was more than one woman at the launch" "Well oo was ze one you were holding afterwards?" "Oh, yeah that one" "She was ze one J was talking about, non, you running away in ze middle of work searching for scarves" "What has she told you?" "Eat is a petite town cherie, news is fast around ear" "I wouldn't really call it news" "Look at you. If you were fair, I'm sure your cheeks would be red right now that I've reminded you of that person in the boos pictures" "Nicole! You're drunk love" "And you're love drunk" "Nice turn phrase, I see you've learnt a thing or two from me" "You're so full of yourself" "You're so full of alcohol". And we laughed. It felt good to laugh again. But not as good as laughing with her. In fact, a lot of things didn't feel the same without her. Still don't. "You know tzat saying - if you love tzumthing, let eat go.." "Okay I know where you're going with that" and I cupped her mouth with my palm, she just looked at it and said I needed to cut my nails. "I lost my nail cutter some weeks ago". The night didn't work out as planned, it wasn't normal. Well, probably because Nicole and I weren't exactly 'normal' people. Then again, what is normal. Ah fuck that, too much thinking is bad for you. "Lets go have a smoke and go home" I said as I walked across the same spot where Candace Bushnell signed my GLF book.

The night was still young, but we were two old souls with our heads stuck in a different place. We sat in the car watching the coastline snake away into the hills in the distance as the light bulbs on them competed with the stars above while the moon pretended to shine. Nicole gazed out to the West, out into the open black of the night and ocean that danced beneath it. "Wouldn't it be eazier being a fish?" "Don't think it is any easier" "Why, we swim, and swim and swim, no one expects anytzing from you. You don't av to work so ard everyzay" "But there will be other fish out there who want to eat you and then there's the fisherman, and no facebook either" "Ah I do not use that rubbeesh. Life is a real thing. Real people meet face to face, like you and me. You can never trust what this people say" "Bad experience?" "Common sense" and we smiled. Funny how I can't smile without remembering her smile. "You need to eat more Devid" "Really? You think so, but the doctors told me I was overweight" "Go like this and I'll dump you in Sudan and they will think you one of tzem" "I try, but I haven't got an appetite" "I will force it, and lets go now, I ave to piss and don't tzink I'm allowed in tzese bathe-roomz after being caught making out in tzem" "Kinky" "I know, imagine if Mamon found out" and she winked at me. "You're too drunk to drive, lets catch a tuk, now hide behind that bush so they don't charge us the white price".

The way back was uneventful, I kept my distance. I did the same a few times with V as well. Lets hope that not everything turns out the same way it did with that, does too much damage at the end. But Nicole is different, she's stronger, knows what she is doing and she's someone who'll fight for something she loves. Maybe that's the French side of her, who knows. "I enjoeyed tzat Devid, I ope you go back to ze way you were when I met you" "I hope so too. Thanks for tonight".

This is my first attempt at a novel. All writing is copyright to Lasantha David and cannot be taken or reproduced under any circumstances.

Chapter 1

2011-04-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

I thought years ago, that God sends that someone your way and you get married and live happily ever after. What did I know, I was only 8 at the time and still able to walk around the house without someone shrieking about me not having any pants on. Much has changed since then, for better, for worse, more for worse actually. Gone are the days when Mamma would say "pray putha, and God will give you anything". He didn't. Even when all I asked for was her happiness. Does that mean she lied to me? Well maybe, I mean there was that time when I was 6 and started getting boners, she said "choo pirilla". So what. Some moms lie about Santa Claus and storks bringing children home, and about how she got that bruise on her face from 'falling down', even though it looks like Daddy's ring. There are things we need to know; some at the right time, and some, never. In the days when hormones spewed out of my glands like lava from an erupting volcano, I know there were times when I'd go off at her. I still shoot myself in the face when I think of those instances. She never deserved any of it.

Sitting on this rooftop watching as the horizon eats the sun and cold ocean thrusts at the shoreline like a copulating animal. Back and forth. Back and forth. One the raging tide, and the other, the delicate pristine sand, but for a moment too short, they are one, like lovers in embrace gazing into each other's eyes. But in a cloud of white froth, it is over. Funny thing about the ocean, it reminds me of me in this aspect. It always keep coming back, again and again, and again, relentlessly. But then again, the shore can't run away; women can. Ah, my cigarettes gone out. That's one thing I hate about the ocean, the breeze. So I light another one and take a look at the note I never gave her. Written on the back of an interview I did when writing my book, I always thought it was quirky to do that. I remember the time I asked her out, the letter before doing so was written on the back of a chemistry practical from back in school. This one stayed there folded and sombre, tainted in tears and the perfume sprayed on it. Funny how you give a person everything they asked for and yet you end up short, abandoned on an empty road in the night as a storm approaches. She just kept driving on. No second chances. No point holding onto this, I set fire to it with my new cigarette, which has also almost gone out! Watched it burn like I did my own life in those past few weeks.

I should stop thinking so much when I'm near the sea. But I can't help it, the song of the sea is like a siren to my mind, singing a sweet tune that calls and lures out my thoughts. Anyway, I can't stay longer, I hear the horn of that old Mini approaching, so I put on my trusty faded pair of Levis, probably the only thing that doesn't leave me, even if I asked it to. I head down the stairs and there she was sitting on the sofa, leaning her head back and smiling. Sure she was smiling, but I hadn't seen this smile before, it was a red smile, that's the only way I could describe it. Red was a colour I could associate with Nicole, her skin was golden. Her colour gave off a sublime warmth, in the same way a shaving light did. Of course she did, she was half French. "Hi". "Hey". I wasn't sure what to do there. I know with V I would always look at her like a blue-eyed boy, watch her as she walked towards me and then hug her tight. But hey, this was just the beginning, and could even be the end. We rubbed cheeks and smacked our lips. I never understood why people did that. The only person who would do it properly was D. She used to hold my face like a gentle lover about to make out, close her eyes and plant two on either cheek. She had a special way of doing things, I hope she's okay in the big world of NGOs out there. But forget that, they are not here, Nicole is and the destination is the Lighthouse and beyond. We got some glances on the way out of the Fort. Everyone knew Nicole. Everyone wanted to date her. I bet they were thinking how I ended up in the car with her. I mean I look just like them in ways with my linen attire. But I am no junkie and never will be. I'm a writer, motherfuckers!

"So Devid, ow was your de?". "It just got better. How was yours?". "Goot, and I av this filling it will get better". Was I supposed to smile for that? I don't know, but I did. And so did she. I don't know who I am these days. I hold onto who I knew I was. I miss V, really do. I wonder if she misses me. Little by little, we're getting lost. But it was no fault of mine. I didn't deserve it; I put up a fight to no avail. I wish th.. "Are you okay Devid? You look like a lost littel boy". I wanted to say, I am one, but then I would have to explain why. "No, it's just been a long week, I'm happy you came. Merci beaucoup. Et vous êtes un bon conducteur, Nicole". "Oh, tsank you, I hope you...". And the conversation went on as we made our way north along the A2 highway on which many of my emotions and thoughts have spilled.

This is my first attempt at a novel. All writing is copyright to Lasantha David and cannot be taken or reproduced under any circumstances.

Funny how

2011-04-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

Funny how people ask for a good lovin' but when you give them that, they just run away. It's hard to fathom why, but like all things to do with female variables in a situation, you just say "Ah, women", and life goes on. But somehow, that isn't right. I mean we're way past the days when women weren't allowed to vote and all that, we're almost equal now so why should it be a woman's prerogative and if indeed, this 'equality' is achieved, then there be no need for chivalry. Hopefully, some of us are the last of this breed, there is nothing emotionally profitable about being chivalrous.

Funny how time and time again, the lesson of don't give too much, you won't get the same back never sticks to me. But I guess I'm wired to lose that way. There is no win in that situation, just the inner content that you haven't done wrong, but what does content do? Not like it can replace the warmth and smell of a loved one who has left your life unexplained. Oh well, the lesson then is to drink and expect a hangover. When the poison flows through your blood, you feel good. Same as the love flowing through, you feel good. But when that goes, you just feel like Big Mamma sat on you. But the difference there is with drinking you don't remember the in between, but in love you do. And rather funnily, you drink to forget that.

Funny how much damage a single person acting fucked up for a single few minutes can do. But like all things mundane, I suppose there ain't no point watering the dead plant. Unless you have a trust fund, life is like walking up a downward bound escalator. The moment you stop moving forward, you start going down back.

In this arena there is no coming back

2011-04-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

These days fall like rain washing away the blood
As it did on the beaches of Normandy 1944
Like gladiators we fight here; blood, sand and mud
Will Missio be given or the blades of our actions
Cut through our attractions and spill our guts
Whose feelings were the mistakes that led us here.
Do we wield our swords in hope, or anger, or fear?
Do you trust your judgment to make the final thrust?
Will it bring your mind the peace of spring
Or will a blizzard of winter descend on tomorrow
Might the end spell happiness or sorrow?
Can we move on and get back on track?
For in this arena, there is no coming back.

Ouch

2011-04-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

I'm genuinely scared now. Chest it tightening up and it's hard to breathe. I don't want to trouble anyone but this is getting bad. I don't know what's going on but this pain is getting worse. This could even be the last thing I write. Goodbye.

2 weeks

2011-04-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting two weeks, a tiring 2 weeks, a dreaded 2 weeks. My head has been stuck in the same place focused on that one thing at times, and at other times all over the place focused on that one thing. If there is any positive in it, it s that it has shown me the people who care about me; genuinely, truly, boundlessly. If it weren't for them, I might not be alive, I wouldn't have eaten, I might not have even given this another try and resolve to keep trying.

Even if I collected all the tears that fell in gratitude when I think about the things they have done for me and the ways they have taken care of me, and turned it into money and still can't pay back their kindness for that's priceless, even the littlest of gestures. Overwhelming in more ways than one these days have been. Even now I'm as sick as shit, but I'm not going to take any medicines. I'm preparing to fight for something, no time to sit back and reply on chemicals.

Let my will be my medicine, let my friends love be my strength and let my weathered ways be my guide to the days ahead.

The other person

2011-04-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

6 months it has been since the depression started again after an absence of 4 years. I thought dancing cured it but it resurfaced with the Mayanthi drama and Deshani leaving. I'm not sure what the trigger was but I suspect, it was that sinking feeling of loneliness and sudden darkening of the room in my mind that did it. Being with Vishmi helped a little bit, I felt a decrease in the time span of a single attack, but now that's gone. I have no reason to fight back the clouds and with everyday it gets worse.

Today it seemed like I shut off for a while. The symptoms were the usual headache, increase of pressure on the brain, the vigorous pulsation of arteries on my eyeballs and that feeling of darkness and loss of my sense of fear. I hate it when that happens, everything seems possible, even jumping off the terrace. It scares me, because I'm not afraid to die, but don't want to at this stage. I wish it would stop.

But this bout of it was different from other days because it's like I lost control of myself for an hour, like somehow I went to sleep and it was another person in control. Such a surreal feeling looking at it now. I knew Seni was busy, but I wanted to call Vishmi, but couldn't, but somehow the thought of that sparked me to writer her a letter. This is all too fucking weird, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or maybe it should, so that this ends once and for all. All for once, I wish the other person can take control and do the necessary.

Afterthoughts

2011-04-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

I would like to think we were both right. I'd like to think we were both wrong. At this point I don't think there is a point to going back and trying to figure out what, where, or when it went wrong. The writing is clear and you're just another brick in the wall of someone else's memory or forever a scar on their heart. As for me, finally I have closure. I've played my part in her story and given my everything to see her happy, and I mean everything. But I should know better than to expect the same. Life's endearing lesson and after all these years I still haven't learned it.

My faith will always be in fate. Que Sera Sera, they say whatever will be, will be. I still love her, her happiness mine, if this is what makes her happy, why should I try to change it. Some days in this greater scheme of things, you're a crucial piece on the board and other days, you're a dispensable pawn. It is one of the cruelly revealing truths of life, never take anything for granted and never expect out of something you can't control. I made the mistake of forgetting that and so the price I paid for the sandcastles we made next to the sea of reality.

The price is heavy and after all I've done, I don't think I deserve to pay this price. 5 meals and counting that I've skipped because I have no appetite, the depression in my head is almost tangible and pressing against my brain causing a unending headache and ringing in my ears that never stops and gives me no sleep. The angina's set in like tremors and aftershocks, wish someone could something about at least that. But oh well David, this is the price you pay for everyday that you spent dreaming. Then again, I can't help it, I'm survivor of rock bottom, optimism keeps me going.

As for her, I hope she finds the man her mother wants her to get married to. Pity she will always live in the shadow of her mother's superficialities. Such a waste of a beautiful soul and amazing human being. Brings me tears to write that last line. I have tried to set her free, but my best wasn't good enough, I hope she finds her way. I hope I have shown her a way. I hope she finds the happiness she is looking for. I will always look up to her and adore her the way I always have. Time to time, my phone rings and I hear Marvin Gaye's voice and I'm taken back to that day at Coco where it all happen.

As for me, I go back to Galle a broken man. A homeless bastard soldier of fortune bleeding from the place his heart used to be. This love has cost me much, in health and work. So much for all those off days I took to help with a college assignment. So much to pick up than just the pen. But this ordeal has thought me much - I really have nothing to live for. I once had ideals, dreams and hopes. I wanted to change things, fight for the wronged, feed the hungry, run around making people happy and solving their problems. What am I, Mary fucking Poppins?! You have to solve your own problems before you help another.

Maybe then I am the problem. Maybe then I wasn't meant to fight all those odds. Maybe I wasn't miraculously supposed to fight the abortion. Life would be much simpler. I don't know what I'm going to do. The pain keeps getting stronger and everything else just keeps growing weaker. Nevertheless, I've been set free from hoping, shown a life worth not coping. I will just crawl into my hammock and hope it takes..wait a minute. The answer was always been before my eyes. The sea. This is probably the reason I never learnt how to swim. The time will come son when you know what you have to do.

Veni Vidi Failed

Those were some perfect days, she kept me hanging on
But like all things good, it can't keep going on and on
The end comes even to the best of us all
All you can do is comfort yourself and stand tall
You did everything you could and know you always will
One day maybe, reward will come, that day till
Just believe in yesterday

The End

2011-04-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

The end is coming. I can feel it, every cell in my body. Like weary Nazi soldiers awaiting the inevitable last coming of the Russian forces. Judgement Day beckons. In this life I have loved and lost. Lost more actually, and if there was anything I've ever gained, it was things I don't deserve. So many things I don't deserve, when all I did was set out on a journey of humanity to spread happiness. But an important lesson I've learned from this is - stop lending your happiness to others, they're just going to run away with it. But it's a vicious cycle. I've had enough. Dad once said "lets go out and prove that nice guys don't finish last". Sorry Dad, that's left for someone else to prove.

I don't know how people can be so heartless sometimes, but then again, that wonder is an unending one. A question with no answer. But I've had enough, I'm not going to put up with this. The clouds of depression race in over my head and the veins in my eyes strike red like lightning and my heart's hurt beats as loud as thunder. The winds of uncertainty blow across as the voice of destiny plays its siren song. It's beautiful hum, the sound of the end. Funny how one of the books I'm working on now as actually called 'Becoming'. Well I'm not going to stand for what's becoming in my life. Yet again I'm taken on a flying carpet, used and discarded in a desert of loneliness.

I thought for a moment there, it was different. Oh well, I have myself to blame for expecting. But I'm done expecting, hoping, helping, caring, loving, liking, giving a flying fuck. The end is coming, the music gets louder as everything else numbs. The end is in the air tonight, come get me motherfucker, I don't care how anymore

I want to die in my sleep

2011-03-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

The best way to die isn't being a hero. You maybe shot, blown up or mutilated but your loved ones will always question you. Forever there will be in their minds the argument that you were selfish, you left them behind and that they'd rather see you a coward alive than a hero dead.

Looking at the varied other methods to exit the world in terms of suicide; most of the methods are messy. The most glamorous of course being ODing on drugs and dying of asphyxiation, not a very pretty way to be found lying in your couch covered in blood and puke with your eyes reaching for the stars while your soul hangs from the rafters above watching the people who loved you, or at least you loved trying to resuscitate you without success. But the catch there is that it only works if you were 27 like Hendrix and Cobain, Forever 27 you will remain they will most likely carve on your tombstone. Choke when you're anything but 27 and you're labelled a junkie. Good thing about it though is that there is no room for uncertainty, once you snort that shit or shoot up, there is no turning back, the merchants of death begin their work and there ain't no stopping them.

Slitting your wrists I suppose is the most common way to go, but that too is messy, bloody messy and your body's defense mechanisms and life preservation systems kick in and Vito your will to die. I've tried it and many a time, I'm left with nothing but an incision, a bloody razor, a lot of explaining to do on how I accidentally cut it while getting off a bus and having to live with myself thinking I was too pussy to die. But using a drowsing agent does help, like maybe overdoing a lot of Panadol. That shit numbs your senses, drops your reflexes and stirs your brain and perception of time leaving you in a daze but most often than not your earlier said mechanisms and systems can kick in and Vito it and make you drag your ass to the doctor and that too leaves a lot of explaining to do and they're probably going to recommend you to go see a shrink, keep you under surveillance or worse, enroll you in a help group, fuck!

It is sort of the same scenario when it comes to asphyxiation via hanging. Pretty old school method and can be efficient if you do it right but then again there is the chance of those earlier said mechanisms coming into play causing you to force your way out of the predicament and in the process damaging other body parts and ending up with a strained neck or damage to the connection between your tongue and your larynx and throat and fuck! that hurts like a bitch even years later, it's like a cramp at the top of your throat that leaves you in pain, immobile and speechless for a minute or two, not handy if you lived past dying and on a date with another person might eventually try the same thing again. Plus this is also a really ugly way of dying because the moment that noose pulls upwards you feel your eyes bulging and trying to shoot out through the roof like a flare saying "help! this crazy mafucker tryna' kill himself". So being found dangling from the rafters with your eyes popped out while your lifeless body waves about in the breeze of the cold November rain, life blown out like a candle in the wind - yes, not too pretty.

In much the same way, there's a million ways to die, in fact, there is a whole book in talking about it but if only I had the time. I think dying in my sleep is how I would want to go, or maybe even donating organs to my mum who deserves their services more than I do. But I wish I knew how to do it - they say where there's a will, there is a way, so if I will hard enough can I really die in my sleep? If only that were the case. No hurt or damage to my face, wearing a smile that forever stays, no one to question if I had suicidal ways. After all, no one cares anyway, and even if they do, there is no reason to complain, those who really care will realize I have come to journey's end, to the place where it all began, dust to dust, where I don't have to suffer the cost of living or bare the pains of loving. Perhaps I will be missed, perhaps I won't, too bad I've driven off everyone who'd come and say don't. No more yearning or discerning, just a young life lived and lost to world of careless dreams and wastes years full of screams, long days and dark nights where comfort has come only through the voices and instruments of those who dared to dream, all hail the Gods of metal. Life is a choice in which the only assurance is death, the get out of jail card, take it or not, the question returns after many years, make me ponder and wonder in the sound of silence.

I'm on way

2011-03-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

So it seems that like all things in my life; the good comes and goes before you can get used to it; like Cobain said, there's something in the way. I'm on the long road again, walking along with my backpack of hope, regrets and dreams searching for a home, walking towards the end of days on the edge of civilization. My shadow, the only one whose never left me over the years disappear as the clouds of depression set in. Home I think is beyond this world for me, I want to go there, may the rains of redemption come drown me, take me across; this life has too many crosses to bare, maybe I won't wait for the rains, it's getting dark...too dark to see...

When you reach where you're supposed

2011-03-06T14:44:00.000-08:00

I think I've reached a place where I was supposed to reach, don't know where that is, but I can feel it. This is not to say I reached my life's destination or the place where I will be forever, but I have reached somewhere. Waking up way too early in the morning feels so normal, the world turns a bit slower but life moves faster and I can live with the man in the mirror but more importantly I can look into the eyes of people who care and say, hey I'm trying, almost there, I'm on my way, home sweet home.

When the lights fade

2011-03-02T09:05:00.000-08:00

When the lights fade; the people go home, the attention goes to sleep and you're left with nothing but a bottle of scotch and regrets. Like now, I'm left with no one, my mum is leaving me, my boss is my boss, her kids and life will always come to her first, I don't even consider my siblings as siblings and after all I've done for people, what am I left with? Fuck all actually.

One days everyone, every 'friend' will be with someone, what you had, years, months of a connection changes in nan instant, makes you wonder, is time better spent helping another life, or trying to take your own. I'm so depressed that even my eyes refused to open fully. I'm sick of this, I've never done anything but help people, yet I remain where I was, alone. Giving up is the easiest option, hope I don't get through this night, don't really want to take more of this.

Ends here

2010-12-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

I think I've made a mistake here and thought I could get away with everything and get anything I wanted. I'll write this now so that I don't do anything stupid with the thoughts that are buzzing around my head. No should have meant no and that's how I should have left it, but instead I've gone and lost every relation to her in the process. Not cool. I can tell I'm being ignored, I know I do it to people. And I think it's bloody fair that she does. But I think the church problem is going to be harder to fix, but in the end, if I have to, I will stop going to church for it. Not out of my lack of faith or urge to worship, but because I have to. In my life led trying to earn people, she's worth a lot to me. My conviction and beliefs will always remain strong, He's been like my replacement father for over half a decade, I'm sure He has a pretty good idea of how my mind works.

If it means giving up that hour of happiness on a Sunday so that her life won't get affected, so be it. I will not step into another church again, in the two months, St.Paul's has given me hope that there are others like me out there and given meaning to my mundane weeks. But all good things come to an end, looks like that is a family I don't belong in and I'm not ok with that, but I guess I just have to accept that fact that I'll give up something I like to preserve things with her. Her reasons I'm not sure, but they are justified, no anger no grudges. It's for obvious reasons I obviously like her, but if that's going to affect her life in a bad way, then step back I will, it's my duty. We are all running in this grand scheme of things, not knowing how it will all play out. I hope one day the answers will come. One day soon.

Those Words

2010-11-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

They just changed my week, my month, and my life? Well we'll have to wait and see about that. But in the mean time, that voice just sings them over and over again, God's work? I think it is, I'm grateful I get to see this much of him. I mean he's got 7 billion other people in the world to manage and to feel his hand on me for so long, I'm seriously blessed. He's taking me the places I'm going, echoing forever in heart those words in that voice "Amazing grace..."

He

2010-11-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

People tell me it's about going to church on Sunday, praying and wearing symbols to display your faith. Can faith be displayed? Isn't faith an intangible bond formed by you with God by believing in him.

I know things haven't, don't and may not go as planned in my life, but I am grateful. I have spent many days fasting so that my mum and the world would see better days. Many hours I have tortured myself to feel pain in the hope that just like Jesus suffered for us, my silent suffering could bring peace to others. I'm not sure if it worked or not though.

But life got to be so bad at a point that I just blamed Him for it all. Forgetting everything I had done, he had for me, I just hated him. He created hate I thought. He was the reason for suffering, I just couldn't. I took off my crucifix, my medallions, my rosary, my bible and almost a part of my life that had so many years of religion and what I thought was worship in them. Shut it all away.

But He, it was just the start, or maybe what started those years ago, of his intricate plan for me. A plan so wonderful, it brings me to tears, a journey to amazing, even I run out of words to write about it. I know I have been touched by God, I know when I have, in this new church in the middle of mass, on that 'how sweet the sound', my soul was more alive than it's ever been.

From yesterday's darkness, I have emerged to set fire to tomorrow, with the colors of light that I want to paint on the world. I believe, God will guide by brush, he is in its strokes, and through me I hope, he will make the world believe, he will make them see, what religion is, who He is and what it means to be Christian.

Wow, it looks like I've been locked up in a church and brainwashed. But no, these are the words of a man who has seen the light through his soul's dark night. Risen up like the Lord to feel God's warmth. And now like the sun of man, I'm a man of God, ready to color this mundane world with He.

Teh Paradox

2010-10-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

I've been an agony aunt for as long as I can remember. It's not that I like listening to the miseries and misfortunes of people but I've always done it regardless who and what time and the majority of them are women. I guess I'm a good listener or I just don't have anything better to do, either way it's something I learn a lot from, both about life and women.

So the weird part comes when dealing with the women in my life and the women to come, no pun intended with that last one. I find it weird because I hear so many stories of the way different guys treat their women and I don't want to go out and be that guy in the end. It's an interesting paradox, sometimes I wonder if I should go out there and do my best or not do it at all. It's made even more interesting because I do like someone now and don't really ..ah I've no idea what to think.

Rising

2010-10-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

I've lived a pretty up-down life, seen things people haven't seen and realized there is a lot that I too haven't seen, and I'm generally grateful for not having had to see those things. After all that I'm at a stage in life where I can look back at the past 20 years like a textbook on life and how to do things in the future, but there's still a lot that has to be added to that 'textbook'. So I've realized while learning from and working with Juliet Coombe.

If before, God as my witness, I've said I haven't been blessed, I take it back because I am now. My mother's struggle has always been an inspiration for me and my drive has always be to end that struggle, but now with Juliet staying at my house for a bit, it's like two times the inspiration. In her I see my mother, and in them I see life, inspiration, determination and everything that just makes you want to put aside whatever you're doing and help clear their way for them.

Their lives are testament to the spirit of endeavor, against all odds, guided by the light of just conviction and hope. Makes me want to become a better person, makes me believe in me.

It's not until you have died inside
Descended to the depths of hell
And marched against it's fiery tide

Fought for your soul and for your life
Defeating the demons within you
Amidst the darkness, grief and strife

Shattered dreams, broken bones
Trials, sorrow, anguish and pain
Broken hearts and empty homes

Climbing up fate's jagged slope
Dragging along whats left of your dreams
on a tray of hope

Through the doldrums you must fight
Past the hardships and suffering
And rise into the ray of light

Broken free from fate's gyve
It's when you rise from the ashes
That you are truly alive

The Nu Job

2010-09-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

IS ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY AWESOME! and yes, the caps there is intentional. Working with Juliet Coombe is just amazing. I say this because I'm not a big fan of pompous academics who like to flaunt their so called intellect. But here is a woman with a PhD who doesn't use the Dr. suffix in front of her name and is just so easy to work with.

I'm just so lucky to have found this gig, coz always fancied making a living out of writing, lets just hope this gets me there. In the mean time, there's just so much I've learned in this one day working with her, I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to end with in two weeks time. Ironically, even words can't describe how fuckin happy I am to have found this.

She still wants me

2010-09-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

That's what she said, literally. So here I am, a few months later, enjoying the single life and not even thinking about the last relationship when I finally decide to talk to her. Of course I wish I hadn't. She is a nice woman, I still care about her despite what transpired between us, so I thought I should talk to her and see what she's been up to.

Sigh, apparently she still wants me and wanted a second chance, etc. But then comes the question, what if the second chance is given out of sympathy and not love, is there time for the love to come? pun intended. I don't know, made me sad to see her still resenting but after the ensuing lecture I gave her, I hope she moves on, coz she can do better.

The Problem

2010-09-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

So it seems the girl troubles continue even today, or at least did. To which point the awesome Seni, came in and helped straighten my thinking. She likes someone else and thank God for that, if not I'd have to go through the usual trouble of getting them someone else or helping them get someone else. All messy work that I just can't afford to do, given my current schedules.

Well hopefully I will get up in the morning and this will be gone, but while we're on the subject, it's interesting to look at some of those 'swing and miss' songs from back in the day, ok may be not too back.

This was all over the place, and it was even more annoying when people with bad voices gave up lip-syncing and actually singing it.

Then there was this one as well, which was more fun to sing along to I suppose

And this last one wasn't as popular as the other two, but it was what I used to sing during those times.

Pheelings

2010-09-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

Such a weird thing, coming on at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and most of the time for the wrong people. I wish sometimes, it could just be turned off when not needed. Even this latest case of them coming up for me is just weird because of the person and circumstances involved.

I'm at this point where 2 months past the break up, I'm ok for another relationship but still I don't want to get into one, just because. I don't want to like anyone at the moment, because I have too much work and more importantly because I don't want to.

This has happen before and the solution was to stay away from her, but this time around, due to circumstances, I literally have to get closer to her. Saying why, will actually give away the person. She is a lot of things I like and look for in a woman, but somehow , I know inside there is no use pursuing this because it's not going to work out.

But looking further into it, I think it's more of knowing it won't workout, that makes this weird but moreover, I just don't want to go through any heartbreak and build up false expectations, I simply don't have the patience or the time to actually deal with it.

Oh well, I don't know if I'm in denial or not, but as much as I would love something to happen, I don't want it to go into the awkward. Sigh, tis a dilemma, hopefully this is just a temporary thing that I will forget tomorrow.

There's something about Seni

2010-09-16T02:44:00.000-07:00

Senilicious

She ain't your average woman, getting screamy about Justin Beiber and crying after watching One Tree Hill. Known her for almost a year now, but it's like I've known her forever. Such an awesome person, someone I try to be like all the time, of course, fall short.

Sigh, I miss her so much, now that she is stranded in India for the next 3 years. There's the skype dates, but it's not the same as going around with her and receiving that motherly lecture about switching my phone off while eating, sigh I miss that. So much to say about this amazing woman I'm so lucky to have in my life, as a friend ;) Mr.Kutub is a very lucky guy :)

Oh well Seni, can't wait till you come back in October.

I love you man

♥

Fingers Crossed

2010-09-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I have an interview today, not sure how it's going to work out but for some reason I don't want the job, but something inside me says I should take it. Yes it's like one of those voice inside your head moments. Oh well, just for the sake of it, lets hope it goes well.

I love this blog

2010-09-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

I do, because I've always liked the idea of keeping record of my thoughts, but at the same time too lazy to write stuff down. But now that I love blogging, this blog has been an easy way to take it all down. Coming to think of it, reading the Diary of Anne Frank inspired me to start this in the first place.

So I think now on September 11th I'm going to write down, the things I want to achieve and maybe in a while look back and see where I'm at.

I think somewhere in the near future I want to do something related to journalism and writing, then move onto get my degree in law. Then I think I'll go to the UK and complete my masters in law and possible work there for a while. Come back here and work in politics, ending up with my own Hard Rock Cafe, right here in Colombo.

Somewhere in between there will be marriage and kids, but oh well, fate's taken me in weird directions over the past 20 years, left just see how the next 20 workout.

Lust is in the air

2010-09-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

That's one thing I suppose has been hard about the breakup, the love strengthened, undercurrent sensitivity. That sounds complex but in simple, love never dies, it just translates into lust. Now that I'm finally over my 'disgust' for feminine drama, it's like I'm sub-consciously searching for someone else, emanating lust and probing for sexual undercurrents. It all sounds weird when you think about it consciously, but I guess it's the 'hearts' natural response.

But I guess I've already gotten used to fighting off the temptation, grabbing the lust and stuffing it into a lamp. Oh boy, it's no easy task, but it's something I have to work hard at because many of my best friends are girls, and I want my relationships with them to stay the way they are, no complications, no drama. I guess one day, the right one will come along, till then, it's a whole lot of fighting away the temptation.

Regrets

2010-09-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of them and I'm happy I do because they remind me, I'm imperfect and I am human. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you see life the way I do, those mistakes are meant to be made. So that they act as warnings, reminders from the past and as teachers, telling you how to get it right the next time.

I know people say stuff like, a perfect life is one without regrets, but then I ask, can a life ever be perfect? I bet that's just something they say in denial. Well, I'm imperfect, so even I'm not sure everything I say is right, but I guess we all share common logic, so based on that logic this arguments has to be right yea?

Here's to life
Hanging out. Making out.
Sneaking out. Passing out
Whatever happens, happens
No regrets, just lessons learned.

Be happy

2010-09-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine said "happiness is subjective, you're only as happy as you want to be", and she was right, there is no proper measure for happiness, you just define for yourself when you are 'happy'. I guess I'll take a lesson from that and in times of shit, just take a step back and compare things with something worse and be happy I've got something better. That didn't make sense, but when you're as happy as I am, it doesn't have to.

Stopping is for losers

2010-09-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

There were the emo days for me, nothing was going right. I had issues in school, didn't like what I was studying, problems at home with what was left of my family. So many sleepless nights, so many thoughts, so much despair and hopelessness, and the never ending urge to meet my creator.

But then came work, dance and good friends. They offered me an escape from all the troubles at home and more importantly, offered me an escape from loneliness and thought. Gave me something to laugh about, something to kill fifteen hours of the day with and gave me hope that I was worth something, even if we were practicing for a final piece of 5 minutes.

I used to go by "Love - Dance - Live". It meant loving what you had and did, dancing away the pain and the hours, living because you can and having fun while doing it. There came a day I accepted everything that had happened to me and decided that it's not going to stop me.

I threw away my blade, that which I had carefully kept hidden in my phone all those years, found a well paying job and finally, visited my Dad's grave. I don't remember much of that day, but it wasn't as emotional as I expected because, I had accepted my fate, killed my insecurities and stepped up to keeping what was left of my family together.

On that very spot where a few years, I stood as a boy, crumbling under the weight of that coffin, I stood now a man, having weathered the storm of despair and adolescent emotion, steadfast on moving forward, my eyes to the sky in gratitude for the shit I had been through.

Today I sit at a point where I can say I've been to hell and back, lived the ups and the downs. And I don't want to stop, come whatever may!

Realization

2010-09-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

My mentors used to tell me, that fate has something big planned for me, probably because I've survived an abortion and almost everyday of a decade in hospital. And here I am pissing all that away. I drink too much, smoke too much, procrastinate too much and at times I'm just useless, quite literally and it appalls me.

There are so many things that I want to do, but something about me just keeps me from doing them and I don't know what. I want to study, do well and make my mum proud, give her a reason to smile every time she looks at me, but all I ever do is disappoint her.

This realization comes to me after a long night of drinking with friends and finally sitting under the stars having a cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, my mum has worked too hard for it, for me to piss it away like this.

I've always been good at keeping promises made to other people, but when it comes to resolutions and promises to myself, I just can't keep them and I have no one to blame but myself. It's a dilemma, I don't mind leaving this world and journeying past its miseries, into the beyond but that will just be another disappointment to those who've helped me drag my life on this long.

I have friends, good ones and I love them, but sometimes I wish there was that special one. To love and be loved, that's all I want. Someone who I could connect to beyond the physical attraction and emotional currents. Someone whose shoulders I can rest on and just close my eyes, not say a word and lay there forever in her warmth.

Someone I will love every moment of everyday, someone who'll accept my pathetic being into her caress without judging me. Sigh, wish it were that simple, maybe there just isn't someone for who and what I am now, maybe change would bring that along, who knows.

But I guess I'm past the hard part of accepting what and who I am, and acknowledging the fact that I need to change. I guess from now on, I will try harder, I'm a nice guy to other people but have I ever tried being nice to me? Stupid question I guess, i could never do that, seeing a smile always makes me smile.

Having said that, I'm not the one to put someone before me, curse or blessing, that's my nature, I just hope it pays off in the end. But I now know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner and a failure. I'm just going to move past that and change.

Change so that I wouldn't disappoint my dear mum, my friends or myself. Like it or not, I'm going to take the lemons life sends my way and turn it into something worthwhile, if shit hits the fan as usual, I'm not going to complain, rather just clean it up just like any other time I've done so.

Simplicity is the essence of life

2010-09-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about the material life that keeps people attracted to it, but in the end it's just all hollow, what you own, ends up owning you, your life is weighed down by the material and not filled with what's important, life.

Especially with the rise in capitalism, everyone's just worried about working long and making money to buy everything the want, but is that all there is to life? Just working long, making money and spending it, where is the love, where is the life, isn't it more about the life in your days than the days in your life.

Sigh, wish it were as simple though, the reality is that we live in a world where it is necessity, the being excessive, having what we want and working the long hours doing something we may not even like. I guess the rents have to be made, bills need to be paid and food put on the table.

I wish it was simple, make love on a white sanded beach and eat whatever the sea brings, roll a joint and smoke up on a hammock by the sea, ah qui est la vie, but then again, not to be, time to start working again.

People Oh People

2010-08-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder what to make of them, some make you sad, some make you happy, a few make you special, some piss you off, many use you and some will always be with you.

People do a lot of things to you that can make you who you are when you call it a day and the interesting bit is that I always thought I had people figured out, but it seems now that you can't, not even the most important person in your life, YOU.

I've always trusted people, over-estimated them and taken them for more than their worth as people. But as time goes by, you gradually understand the workings of people and learn to take everyone with a pinch of salt, on face value.

But that being said, there are always those who will surprise most often in a bad way, but that's a part of life I guess. We are all victims entangled in the fabric of fate, people are part of our circumstances, they add to who we are. It's like that cliche saying that it's the people that color our lives and I so agree with it.

Change

2010-08-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

It's the most constant thing in the universe. Change it's both good and bad, sometimes welcome, sometimes not. I'm stuck at this sudden shift in tides, I knew it was coming, but not how or when. But I guess there is no point fearing change, it's better to embrace it and be done with it.

Serenade

2010-08-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

Was the soundtrack of the night yesterday as I think my most mixed emotion day of the year came to an end. It was a morning where I went to see my best friend of 8 years, after not seeing him for a year. Of course it was a big deal because here was a man I had seen almost everyday of my life for the past 8 years.

But sadly people had to ruin it by acting immature and just taking the piss. But I guess throughout the day, the other reason to smile was that I had a Skype date with the lovely Seni, which is always something I can do however late in the night it goes on till. Although yesterday I did manage to ruin a surprise she had for me sadly.

But as usual Seni cheered me up, and as I was about to go to sleep, it was Kei and Vishmi in the act. It was just a whole exchange of happiness and brilliant songs. I just can't describe it, I just know I didn't want to go to sleep. I don't know what I'd do without friends like them.

So much love you can't show it

2010-08-19T02:21:00.000-07:00

I think I talk a lot about my Dad at times, but he hasn't been around for the past 5 years, and it's been Mum who's been doing his job. I know she's done a lot for me over the two decades of my life, and even before it and I'm utterly grateful for it, but I wish that I could show her that.

I gave up priesthood because the guy in the clouds couldn't give her happiness and decided to work for it myself and I am little by little, but sometimes it's now enough for her to notice I'm trying. I try, it's a thought I start most of my days with, but if only she knew.

But anyway, I love her and will tell her that someday, give to her everything she's given me. I hope that day comes soon, because I sense with everyday that passes, she's not who she was. With everyday that passes, the inevitable dawns.

As strong as she is, even she can't fight that. Brings me to the verge of tears sometimes, even now as I write, she's next to me, reading me the news. I love you mom.

Look both ways before you cross

2010-08-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sigh, the same road rule applies to the crossroads of life, weigh your options and check everything else before you take a decision to do something. But then again, when there is a man in the clouds who's already made that choice for your, but makes you think that you re making that choice for yourself, what really is the point?

Ah I give up, I'm just going to go make myself some strawberry jelly. fooey!

I write on too many blogs

2010-08-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

But most of them are mainstream and most of the people know who I am, so I'm not really able to say the personal things I want to get out of my system. So I thought, I'd stay away from the blog aggregates and blogrolls, a space where just a few people may stumble onto, a place I'd feel okay putting up the sentimental stuff and yes, if you are reading this you are one of them, just don't tell anyone else about this.

Sometimes I wonder why we do the things we do, even when not necessary, but apparently it's something everyone does, well so says my mum. I'm at this point in life where, I have skills that make me money, good enough to live for myself, get married on the beach and even have a daughter called Christina. Of course when I snap out of that dream, there is the family coming up and saying, your options aren't safe, writing won't pay much, you die like lasantha or get tied to a tree and, of course, there is the you can do better!

But the point is, do I want to do better? But do I really know what I really want? Fuck no! I'm just 20, I don't want to live that long, but I think I have longer to live, how do I judge where that end of the race to manhood is? Is there an end? Do we just go on one day till we wake up to take a piss in the morning and think, "I think i've crossed the finish line".

16 years of education already with no end in sight, it's like a giant redwood tree growing up my ass every year, every year it seems harder to get away from. Sigh it's at times like this I wish I was born in the 60's just sex, drugs, rock and roll!

I'm sure I'd be at a Jimi Hendrix concert, with long hair, bell bottoms, hugging my girlfriend and singing along to 'castles made of sand'. Oh well, back to reality, the books, the research and every other meh.